Growing up in poverty was one of the best things that ever happened to me because, from an early age, I knew without a doubt that the life I was born into was the life I most wanted to escape. I knew there had to be something better. When you know what you don't want, you know what you do want.

 

Witnessing my parent's struggles and lack of joy served as a powerful catalyst to find out how to change the trajectory of my life. They didn't know how to do life well despite working hard. They never went after their dreams - I don't think they ever dared to dream.

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And yet, despite my high aspirations for a wonderful life, despite my education and advanced degrees, I would spend decades putting up with and tolerating relationships that were not good for me, low-level jobs that under-utilized me, and work that sucked the life out of me.

 

There would be years of sitting on the fence ruminating over what to do - how to escape - how to avoid my fears, how to avoid discomfort, and waiting and waiting for when I thought I was ready to make a move. It was a painful way to live.

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What I've come to see and personally witness is that the only thing that kept me on that damn fence was low self-worth, self-doubt, and a big misunderstanding of who I really am. The truth is that I had what it takes to go after the life I desired - that ability was there all along buried beneath years of social conditioning and some huge misunderstandings about how life works. 

  

MY BRAVEST MOMENTS

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I've never thought of myself as a brave person. I'm scared of my body when I get sick. I get anxious about going to the doctor and dentist. I'm afraid of flying and travel in general (even though I've traveled the world). And I have always been too chicken to take drugs. I've tried my hardest to avoid these situations at best.

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But there have been times in my life, where despite feeling terrified, I have been my most bravest - these were times when I've had courage and absolute certainty - times I've dared to say, NOT THIS. I can't live with this.

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And wouldn't you know, these moments always came to me when I had no plan or idea of what to do next -I had no plan B, which is why it was terrifying.

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All I knew was I had to get away, walk away, and hope that my right life was out there waiting for me. To wake up to knowing I DIDN'T WANT THIS and to then walk away - these have been my bravest moments.

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There was a time when I had to tell my husband of thirteen years that I didn't love him and couldn't live with him anymore (even though he was a decent man). A time when I had to leave him with no money or prospects except a jam jar of coins. Or the times when I left jobs that offered financial security but sucked the life out of me.

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These were terrifying moments. But it wasn't so much the uncertainty that scared me, but the thought of getting locked into a life that was all wrong for me. A life of NOT THIS. This made me shudder.

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And so I have experienced my deepest fears and yet somehow have been able to admit NOT THIS despite not knowing what the future holds for me.

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Just know that you don't have to know what to do next before you can admit NOT THIS. You just have to admit that you've ended up in the wrong place or with the wrong person.

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You will be your bravest when you can ask yourself - what does my soul really want? You can begin with this question.

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