If you want to end your isolation, you must be honest about what you want at a core level and decide to go after it. Martha Beck.
If your experience of dating is going well, it can be a delicious and exciting time. But make no mistake, the world of dating can also be a cold, lonely, and shallow experience. Why? Because there’s a lot of small talk, flirting, and texting, but very little deep communication.
And why is that?
Because we’re afraid to let people see who we really are. We’re afraid to let others know what we really desire and want for ourselves.
And why is that?
Because we’ve been told by the self-help world of dating that we have to play hard to get, be mysterious, not show our true feelings, and play coy.
So many of us fall into this trap. We treat our precious selves as if we’re a commodity, a brand, something to be sold, and something to dangle in front of others so that they’ll really, really want us.
And you know what?
People will want you. You will get attention. You will get dates. And you will get sex.
But here’s what you won’t get: You won’t get the deep love you really desire.
And the irony is that this “air-brushed” superficial approach to dating has actually led people to feel more insecure and lonely. It's taken them in the opposite direction.
Before you accuse me of being a boring, old kill-joy, I’m not saying that in the early days of dating someone, you can’t remain a little aloof and mysterious – that a little flirting and holding back isn’t necessary and even fun. It is, and it’s also a great way to pique someone’s curiosity. It’s also common sense to not come on too strong and bear your soul too early. This can scare people off.
But there does come a time when you have just let people know who you really are and what you ultimately want in a relationship. Not only does this clear the deck of all the people who don’t want what you want, but it also has a powerful way of creating genuine intimacy and endearing people to you.
All it takes is for one person to have the courage to say: this is what I’m looking for and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to tell you. How about you?
What you’ll discover is that when you do this – when you show up authentically – you’ll automatically give others permission to do the same – to own what they want unapologetically. And there's something so refreshing and "clean" about telling the truth about your desires.
We hear it all the time in the dating books that we shouldn’t be NEEDY. But let’s be clear. There’s a difference between being needy and being honest about what you want.
One is insecure and the other is confident.
To be honest about who you are at your core, what you want, and to go after it – now that’s true confidence.