So much of the dating advice today on how to find love sounds as if it's been written by adolescents – that if you want to attract someone you should work on improving your physical appearance; learn how to be sexy and flirty, learn how to write text messages that tease and charm - and the big one - play hard to get.
Now, before you accuse me of being an old killjoy, these tactics can be a lot of fun and create sexual excitement. But if they really worked, then why do so many people continue to feel frustrated and even lonely with this approach? And why are they still single?
So, what gives? Is there a sure-fire way of finding a loving partner? According to research done by psychologist, David Buss, the number one trait that attracts people to you isn’t your sex appeal, it isn’t your success, and neither is it your intelligence. Wait for it…
It’s kindness and understanding. Yes, you heard me!
So for all of you drop-dead gorgeous people out there who think you have the edge on getting and finding love, looks like your looks won’t cut it. But don’t be too upset, because this is really, really good news!
Before we get into why this is good news, let me be clear. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone you are physically attracted to – it’s a perfectly normal and fun part of our relationship life. It matters. But it’s not the clincher. It’s not the thing that makes us want to spend the rest of our life with someone. There are so many gorgeous people in the world who can’t seem to find love.
I’ve dated my fair share of gorgeous guys who played hard to get – and yes the sexual tension was dizzying and seductive – but I also noticed that many of these men had a few other things in common: they were not at all likable, kind, or interested in me (except sexually), and there was a distinct lack of deep intimacy. I never felt safe with them.
Why is this good news? It’s good because not everyone can look drop-dead gorgeous or act flirty and aloof. And besides, your physical beauty is going to fade in time. But we all have the innate qualities of kindness, presence, and understanding.
You may not be buying this, but try it out next time you’re on a date or with someone. Bring out your kindness, your understanding, your presence. And in doing so, you’ll give them permission to do the same to you. It’s
I believe we need to re-think and revitalize this whole approach to relationships. We make it all so complicated. Our adolescent approach needs to mature. It doesn’t have to be this way.
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